NFR Humor
- Thread starter Buzzy
- Start date
Non-fishing related
The "My squirrel friend" thread by @Jim in Anacortes reminded me of this story, so I dug it up. Long, but hilarious!
I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential
neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect...
I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow
traffic. As I passed an on coming car, a brown, furry missile shot out from
under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me.
It was a squirrel, and it must have been trying to run across the road when
it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no
time to brake or avoid it -- it was that close. I hate to run over animals,
and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger
to me.
I barely had time to brace for the impact. Animal lovers, never fear.
Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves.
Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on
his hind legs and facing my oncoming Harley with steadfast resolve in his
beady little eyes.
His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt!
I was pretty sure the scream was Squirrel for "Bonzai!" or maybe "Die, you
gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" The leap was nothing short of spectacular...
He shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in
the chest. Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have
sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack.
Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity.
As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans,
this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing
some damage!
Picture a large man on a huge black-and-chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a
T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet
residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel.
And losing...
I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed
to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the
left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the
throw. That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there.
It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the
pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have
headed home. No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary
squirrel. This was not even an ordinary angry squirrel. This was an EVIL
MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH! Twisted Evil.
Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with
the force of my throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an
amazing impact, landed squarely on my BACK and resumed his rather antisocial
and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove
with him! The situation was not improved, not improved at all.
His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled,
to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one
hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back
unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the
throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Harley can have only one
result.
Torque.
This is what the bike is made for, and she is very, very good at it.
The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement.
The squirrel screamed in anger.
The Harley screamed in ecstasy.
I screamed in ... well... I just plain screamed.
Now picture a large man on a huge black-and-chrome cruiser, dressed in
jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and
roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential
street on one wheel, with a demonic squirrel of death on his back.
The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.
With the sudden acceleration, I was forced to put my other hand back on the
handlebars and try to get control of the bike.
This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did
not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had
not yet figured out how to release the throttle...my brain was just simply
overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect
against the massive power of the big cruiser.
About this time, the squirrel decided I was not paying sufficient attention
to this very serious battle (maybe he was an evil mutant NAZI attack
squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face
helmet with me.
As the face plate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am quite
sure my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel,
however. The RPMs on the bike maxed out (since I was not bothering with
shifting at the moment), so her front end started to drop.
Now picture a large man on a huge black-and-chrome cruiser, dressed in
jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring
at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large, puffy squirrel's tail
sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are
probably getting a little hoarse.
Finally I got the upper hand ... I managed to grab his tail again, pulled
him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This
time it worked ... sort of.
Spectacularly sort-of, so to speak.
Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on
a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some
paperwork. Suddenly a large man on a huge black-and-chrome cruiser, dressed
in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one
leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody
murder roars by, and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade
into your police car.
I heard screams.
This time they weren't mine...
I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front
wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a
cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I would have
returned to 'fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have.
Really...Except for two things.
First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about
me at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol
were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing
a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car.
The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street aiming
a riot gun at his own police car.
So, the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the
professionals handle it" anyway.
That was one thing. The other?
Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery
from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back
window, shaking his little fist at me. That is one dangerous squirrel. And
now he has a patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol car...but it was all
his.
I took a deep breath, turned on my turn signal, made a gentle right turn off
of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was best
to just buy myself a new pair of gloves. And a whole lot of Band-Aids.
I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential
neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect...
I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow
traffic. As I passed an on coming car, a brown, furry missile shot out from
under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me.
It was a squirrel, and it must have been trying to run across the road when
it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no
time to brake or avoid it -- it was that close. I hate to run over animals,
and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger
to me.
I barely had time to brace for the impact. Animal lovers, never fear.
Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves.
Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on
his hind legs and facing my oncoming Harley with steadfast resolve in his
beady little eyes.
His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt!
I was pretty sure the scream was Squirrel for "Bonzai!" or maybe "Die, you
gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" The leap was nothing short of spectacular...
He shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in
the chest. Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have
sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack.
Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity.
As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans,
this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing
some damage!
Picture a large man on a huge black-and-chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a
T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet
residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel.
And losing...
I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed
to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the
left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the
throw. That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there.
It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the
pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have
headed home. No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary
squirrel. This was not even an ordinary angry squirrel. This was an EVIL
MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH! Twisted Evil.
Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with
the force of my throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an
amazing impact, landed squarely on my BACK and resumed his rather antisocial
and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove
with him! The situation was not improved, not improved at all.
His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled,
to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one
hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back
unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the
throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Harley can have only one
result.
Torque.
This is what the bike is made for, and she is very, very good at it.
The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement.
The squirrel screamed in anger.
The Harley screamed in ecstasy.
I screamed in ... well... I just plain screamed.
Now picture a large man on a huge black-and-chrome cruiser, dressed in
jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and
roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential
street on one wheel, with a demonic squirrel of death on his back.
The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.
With the sudden acceleration, I was forced to put my other hand back on the
handlebars and try to get control of the bike.
This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did
not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had
not yet figured out how to release the throttle...my brain was just simply
overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect
against the massive power of the big cruiser.
About this time, the squirrel decided I was not paying sufficient attention
to this very serious battle (maybe he was an evil mutant NAZI attack
squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face
helmet with me.
As the face plate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am quite
sure my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel,
however. The RPMs on the bike maxed out (since I was not bothering with
shifting at the moment), so her front end started to drop.
Now picture a large man on a huge black-and-chrome cruiser, dressed in
jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring
at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large, puffy squirrel's tail
sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are
probably getting a little hoarse.
Finally I got the upper hand ... I managed to grab his tail again, pulled
him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This
time it worked ... sort of.
Spectacularly sort-of, so to speak.
Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on
a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some
paperwork. Suddenly a large man on a huge black-and-chrome cruiser, dressed
in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one
leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody
murder roars by, and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade
into your police car.
I heard screams.
This time they weren't mine...
I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front
wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a
cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I would have
returned to 'fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have.
Really...Except for two things.
First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about
me at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol
were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing
a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car.
The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street aiming
a riot gun at his own police car.
So, the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the
professionals handle it" anyway.
That was one thing. The other?
Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery
from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back
window, shaking his little fist at me. That is one dangerous squirrel. And
now he has a patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol car...but it was all
his.
I took a deep breath, turned on my turn signal, made a gentle right turn off
of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was best
to just buy myself a new pair of gloves. And a whole lot of Band-Aids.
This is good.
Jim in Anacortes
Life of the Party
Wow! Thanks for that post Northern
As much as i relaxed just could not find humor in this. But then i feel curmudgeon- itis capturing my sophomoric funny bone.
Bambooflyguy
Life of the Party
At the new year’s party........
Dave Boyle
Life of the Party
flybill
Life of the Party
Did you have to be at Camp Lajune from 1980 to 1997.. or love to collect squirrel pelts? I just can't recall..
I know it really is not funny at all but Holy Crapment! I get a camp Legume email 4-5 times a week . Its been going on for months and been marking as spam for the whole time. I might even have a facial tick… i should be entitled to compensation!
Yes the Marine base Camp Lejeune water contamination case is real and an awful “oversight” like asbestos and asbestosis and all the widowers like my mom who turns 97 at the end of the month. Whenever something like this is announced the spamming hits hard and often.
