NFR Humor

Non-fishing related

Porter2

Life of the Party
Forum Supporter
A Minnesota farmer named Sven had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Ajax Company.

In court, the Ajax Company's hot shot attorney questioned him thus "Didn't you say to the state trooper at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?"

Sven responded: "Vell, I'lla tell you vathappened dere. I'd yust loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da...

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Sven said, "Vell, I'd yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas drivin' down da road...

"The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client.

I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.

"By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Sven's answer and said to the attorney: "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie.

"Sven said: 'Tank you," and proceeded. "Vell as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road vin dis huge Ajax truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side by golly.

I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder ditch.

"By yimminy yahosaphat, I vas hurt purty durn bad, and didn't want to move. An even vurse dan dat, I could hear old Bessie a moanin' and a groanin'. I knew she vas in terrible pain yust by her groans.

"Shortly after da accident,a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie a moanin' and a groanin' too, so he vent over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her right between the eyes.

"Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, How are you feelin?'"

"Now wot da fock vud you say?
 

ABITNF

Steelhead
A widow placed a personal ad in the local newspaper...

HUSBAND WANTED! MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's). MUST NOT BEAT ME. MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair.

The old woman said, " you're not really asking me to consider you?... just look at you, you have no legs!" The old man smiled, " therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted. "You don't have any hands either."

Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently, "Are you still good in bed?"

With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile, and said,

"I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

main-qimg-aeaba9807acb638056a331f2accc4360
 

Old406Kid

Life of the Party
Forum Supporter
A woman decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel.. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.

She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!"

The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.

She insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use."

"But I didn't use them."

'Well, they are here, and you could have." He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous."We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here."

"But I didn't go to any of those shows.."

"Well, we have them, and you could have."

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.

After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check.

"But Madam, this check is for only $50.00"

"That's correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me."

"But I didn't!"

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."
 

DFG

Steelhead
Forum Supporter
A buddy of mine showed up at my house last week with two black eyes. I asked him what had happened, and he said that he was in line at the grocery store behind a large woman when he noticed that her skirt had become tucked between her butt cheeks. Thinking to do her a favor he pulled it out, whereupon she turned around and socked him.

I noted that that would account for only one of the black eyes. He said that since she clearly didn't like what he'd done he tucked it back in.
 
Top